


Fixing Sam

by Not__Misha__Collins



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alcoholism, Depression, Gaslighting, Hallucinations, Kidnapping, M/M, Mental Institutions, Physical and Mental Abuse, Psychosis, Schizophrenia, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-11-23
Updated: 2018-03-07
Packaged: 2019-02-05 20:49:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 10
Words: 7,324
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12802074
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Not__Misha__Collins/pseuds/Not__Misha__Collins
Summary: Sam began having hallucinations about demons and monsters in his twenties. He put himself into a mental institution, where he met Castiel, who confirms the bruises on Sam's neck are indeed real. Sam's time at the hospital was just the beginning of the pain.I'd meant to publish this for Sastiel BigBang 2016, but got busy and it wasn't enough words. Also, I thought it was too dark.





	1. Chapter 1

No one quite knew what broke Sam, what caused his insanity. The five or six of psychologists he visited couldn’t figure it out. Nothing quite pieced together.   
Sam had an acceptable childhood, save for the fire caused by an electrical shortage when he was a baby. Luckily, John had been near Sam’s nursery, and Dean was easy to wake up. The three moved a lot, and, once John healed from grieving the loss of Mary, moved into an apartment a few towns over.   
Unfortunately, Dean was a trouble maker and got kicked out of school a lot, which resulted in moving at least a few times, and discipline for Dean. When he wasn’t doing that, he was helping out at Bobby’s auto salvage place.   
Sam, on the other hand, was constantly immersed in fantasy novels, movies, and tv shows, and of course homework. He was a straight A student, nearly a genius, and almost got to skip the tenth grade.  
The problems started shortly after he turned twenty-two. He had always been fascinated with mythology and lore, which started to become a part of his delusions. His girlfriend, Jess, was killed in a tragic accident, a gas leak sparked a fire in which Sam barely escaped with his life, unable to save her. Perhaps that was what threw Sam off the edge.   
He was convinced that a demon killed Jess, as well as their mother.   
“You believe a demon killed them?” Dr. Ackles, Sam’s first psychologist, asked.  
“You think I’m crazy,” Sam said.  
“I never said that,” Dr. Ackles replied, “Now, please…tell me about this demon.”  
Sam nodded.  
“He has yellow eyes,” Sam began, “I don’t…know his name. He’s after me, and my family.”  
“Why would he be after you?”  
“I don’t know. But I’m scared.”

Sam dropped out of college until he could get himself together. He’d went back home to visit John and Dean, who were on a camping trip.  
“So, Sam,” Dean began, “Did you get talking to the psychologist?”  
“Dean, don’t bug him,” John said.  
“I am concerned about my baby brother’s mental health,” Dean retorted.  
“Yeah,” Sam said, “They can’t give me drugs for about a week or so.”  
Dean nodded. He had been the first to notice that Sam was suffering, due to the weird voicemails and texts he’d been leaving, requesting information about the “yellow-eyed demon.”

Sam was near to having a panic attack that evening. He noticed something wrong about John when the three of them came back from checking out that apartment that Dean was planning on renting.   
“Something wrong, Sam?” John asked.  
Sam looked terrified. John’s eyes appeared yellow.  
“You’re not my father,” He panicked.  
John was hurt. “What?”  
“You’re the demon!” Sam grabbed the nearest gun, an old colt, and pointed it at John.  
“Sam, put the gun down!” Dean yelled.  
“Get out of him or I’ll kill you!”  
“What are you talking about?” John asked.  
Sam aimed the gun, then, just as he was about the fire, John’s eyes were back to normal. He dropped the gun.  
“Sam?” Dean asked carefully.  
The younger brother whimpered. “I’m sorry,” He said, “I thought…I almost…”  
“It’s okay,” John said, “The demon…it’s gone.”  
Both John and Dean hugged Sam, but Sam didn’t feel any better. He almost killed his father. He’s dangerous.  
Shortly after the incident, Sam admitted himself into a mental institution, as not to harm anyone else.


	2. Chapter 2

John was in a car wreck, and was stuck in a coma for a few weeks. In the meantime, Dean visited Sam in a different mental hospital.   
“Is he any better?” Dean asked Dr. Speight, Sam’s new psychologist.  
“The antipsychotics we’ve given him are effective in reducing, but not eliminating, his hallucinations and delusions,” Dr. Speight answered, “Sam seems to have a fixation on demons and monsters. Do you know why that is?”  
“He was into a lot of fantasy stuff, growing up,” Dean guessed, “Twilight Zone, Lovecraft, Stephen King stuff like that.”  
The doctor nodded.  
“If you’d like, you can go visit him.”

Dean made his way to the room Sam was staying in. Upon seeing him, Sam ran up and hugged the older brother.  
“Dean!” He exclaimed, “Thank god you’re okay!”  
“How are you feeling, Sam?”  
“Better,” Sam said, “The demons are…They can’t get in here. Neither can monsters. Must be warded.”  
“Good.”  
“There was a demon,” He continued, “Meg. She…she’s working with the yellow-eyed man. They’re gonna…They’re gonna open the gates of Hell.”  
Of course this was absurd, but Sam was genuinely terrified.   
“It’ll be okay.”  
“No,” Sam insisted, “They want me. For something, I don’t know what, but they want me.”  
“No one’s going to hurt my baby brother,” Dean assured him.  
…  
Nightmares plagued Sam, nightmares where he was burned, tortured, where the yellow-eyed demon spoke to him.   
“You’re special, Sammy,” He said.  
“Don’t call me Sammy!”  
The demon caressed Sam’s face, and Sam jerked away.  
“I like you, Sam,” The demon continued, “You could be of…use…to me…”  
“What do you want?” Sam pleaded.  
The demon just smiled.  
…  
Sam woke up screaming in agony. This time, it wasn’t the delusions, the hallucinations, it was something else. His kidneys were failing.  
Luckily, he had an immediate donor: Dean.


	3. Chapter 3

After the kidney transplant, Dean woke up almost immediately, while Sam remained asleep. Both Dean and John were worried, but Sam was in dream land.  
“One year,” Sam heard in his dream.  
“One year until what?” Sam demanded.  
“One year, and you bring Sam back,” He realized it was Dean’s voice.  
Sam knew exactly what this was: a trade. Dean gets one year to live, and Sam gets to breathe again.  
…  
Dean was the first person to greet Sam when he woke up.  
“Dean!” Sam exclaimed.  
“Good, you’re awake,” Dean smiled, “I was getting worried there.”  
One year.  
“I’m fine,” Sam tried to move, but stopped.  
“Woah, woah,” Dean cautioned, “Doctors said if the kidney sticks, it’ll be good for about a decade or so. So don’t use it all at once.”  
One year.  
“Funny,” Sam chuckled.  
“You get some rest, okay?”  
One year.  
“What about you?”  
“I was resting for two days, while you were still asleep.”  
“I was out for that long?”  
“Yeah. We were…” Dean began to choke up, “I thought you wouldn’t…”  
Sam patted Dean’s shoulder. One year.  
“Dean…”  
“No chick flick moments, right?” Dean joked, “Anyway, you just relax.”  
The younger brother smiled weakly. How could he relax when his only brother has a year to live?  
…  
After the transplant, nothing much changed, except for visits to a doctor for a kidney status update. Sam went back to the mental institute after a while, and there arrived a new doctor: Dr. Stein.   
…  
Soon came the end of the year, and Dean’s time was almost up. Sam could hear the hellhounds barking, hear it getting louder, but Dean wouldn’t listen.  
“Dean, please…”  
“Sam, this is ridiculous…”  
“Why did you make that deal?” Sam demanded.  
“I didn’t make any deal!”  
“Why didn’t you just let me die?”  
Dean’s eyes widened, he couldn’t believe his sweet, happy little brother would say something like that.  
“Is that what this is about?” The older one asked, “You want to die?”  
Sam was hesitant, but eventually answered with a whispered “Yes.”  
“Sammy, why?”  
“I can’t take the voices,” He answered, “Everything they say to me, everything you say to me.”  
“What have I said to you?”  
“You’re ashamed of me. That you want me locked up, I’m dangerous, I’m a monster, I’m not your brother…”  
“I would never say that. Any of that.”  
“Admit it, Dean. You hate me.”  
“No!”  
“Just say it. You’ll feel better.”  
Dean can’t stand you. Look at his face: that’s resentment if I’ve ever seen it.   
“Sam…”  
“I don’t ever want to see you again.”  
“Okay,” Sam didn’t even look up, nor did he hear Dean shouting after him.


	4. Chapter 4

The hellhounds had taken Dean. It happened right in front of Sam: Dean was knocked to the floor, invisible claws began tearing at him, ripping him apart. All Sam could do was watch, just stand and watch. His brother lie, dead, eyes open and staring as if to say: “Why didn’t you try to save me?”  
…  
“Do you see what you did? DO YOU?”  
Sam nodded.  
“You’re dangerous. Violent. Aggressive. You need to be dealt with.”  
“No.”  
…  
Meanwhile, a man in a trench coat with bright blue eyes glued to the floor, wandered down tenth street. Twenty-five: already divorced and living in a crappy rented house in the bad part of town. What’s even left for him? Half a mile from the bridge over-looking the Norro River, and no one could stop him. Something, however, was just about to unfold in front of his eyes, something that would change his life forever. He just didn’t know it yet.  
How could Dean have known there was a car coming? The little stickman on the sign said to go, so he went. Just a second after he started crossing, he was yanked backwards and fell onto his butt.  
“What…” Before Dean could get angry, however, a yellow truck sped by where he just was, and he looked up at the man who’d just pushed him, “You saved me.”  
“Yeah.”  
“Who are you?”  
“Castiel.”  
“Thank you, Castiel.”  
“No problem. See you.”  
...  
“Are you angry?”  
“No.”  
“Tell the truth, Sam.”  
“I am telling the truth.”  
A hand grabbed his hair.  
“YOU’RE LYING TO ME.”  
“Please don’t…”  
…  
A white light emanated from the man’s body. His eyes were soft, his demeanor relaxed, yet serious. Sam approached the man slowly, in awe.  
“What are you doing?” Castiel watched Sam cautiously.  
Sam put out a hand, and Cas took it reluctantly.  
“I…I’ve…never met an angel before…”  
“…Are you hitting on me?”  
“Um, I mean…”  
Castiel laughed.  
“I’m Castiel. Cas for short.”  
“I’m Sam.”  
“Sam, huh?” Castiel said, “What are you doing in here? You look…normal…”  
“You think so?”  
“Well, yeah.”  
The younger one smiled.  
“I don’t hear that a lot. But…I shouldn’t tell you why I’m in here. What about you? You look normal.”  
“I jumped off a bridge. Then someone jumped in to save me. I guess I should thank them.”  
“Why would you do that?”  
“Long story.”  
“Lunch is in about an hour,” Sam changed the subject, “I usually sit alone, but if you want, I’ll be on the bench right outside the front door.”  
…  
“Do you honestly think I would hurt you, Sam?”  
“Yes,” Sam gritted his teeth, “You’ve done it before.”  
“I don’t know what you’re talking about. I would never harm a patient.”  
“I have bruises.”  
“You have nothing. You’re delusional, psychotic. And you’re going to go back to your room, and forget any of this happened. Understand?”  
“NO.”  
A hand was raised, and Sam flinched.  
“Fine,” Sam corrected, “Understood.”  
…  
Sam had no expectation for Castiel to join him for lunch. Most people here avoided him, or at the very least, were incredibly weary of him. Of course, he understood this- he’s tall, paranoid, and screams at things that don’t exist.  
“Hello,” Castiel was holding a burger in a foil wrapper.  
“My brother likes cheeseburgers, too.”  
“I hope the ones he gets are better than this,” He joked, “You know, a couple people told me to avoid you, they said you were dangerous.”  
“And you still came out here?”  
“It’s nice out. Besides, you don’t look dangerous. You look like a giant teddy bear.”  
“Thanks,” Sam said, “Um, could you tell me something?”  
“Sure.”  
Sam pulled down the collar of his shirt to reveal finger-shaped bruises.  
“Is this real?”  
Castiel gasped.   
“What happened?”  
“So it is real,” Sam figured, “I’ve been wondering if it really happened. But since it did, there’s a doctor you should avoid.”  
“A doctor did this to you?”   
“His name is Doctor Stein. He’s got grayish-white hair and, well… a name tag.”  
Castiel smiled at the name tag part.  
“Have you reported him?”  
“Can’t.”  
“Why not?”  
“Who’s going to believe the guy who sees demons?”  
“You see demons?”  
“Demons, monsters, ghosts, spirits,” Sam answered, “Most of the time, I know they’re not real, and it’s just a nuisance…”  
“But sometimes, you think it’s real?”  
Sam nodded.  
“Sam, your bruises are physical evidence against him. They’ll have to believe you.”  
“Don’t tell anyone, okay?”  
“But--Okay.”  
“I get out in two weeks, if the medicine works.”  
“Medicine?”  
“Anti-psychotics,” Sam answered, “Some anti-depressants, anti-anxiety, anti-everything else.”  
“I have to stay here until they diagnose me,” Castiel said, “Could be a day or two.”  
…  
Castiel was depressed. As if he needed another diagnoses of it. As if he hasn’t been dealing with it for the past decade. He’d need pills, and a few days or a week of observation.  
“Depression, huh?” Sam asked with a mouthful of sandwich.  
Castiel had joined Sam again for lunch the next day. Despite what people around the hospital said, Sam was nice and calm toward Castiel.  
“Mmm-hmm.”  
“So, Cas,” Sam began, “My brother’s visiting around dinnertime. If you come to my room about six, you can meet Dean.”  
“That name sounds familiar.”  
“Dean is a pretty common name.”  
“Yeah. Maybe that’s it.”  
…  
Sam missed Dean. It’d been so long since they’d seen each other, and the younger one worried that Dean wouldn’t want to see him. Maybe Dean just wants to leave his freak brother in the hospital. Maybe Dean is sick and damn tired of taking care of him.  
…  
When Sam saw Dean in person, he was a little shocked.  
“I saw you get killed…” The younger one trailed off.  
“Sammy, I’m right here,” Dean smiled, “Alive and well. How’s the kidney?”  
“My body’s accepting it. And you?”  
“Losing a kidney ain’t half bad.” Dean joked.  
“Good,” Sam looked to see a familiar face at his door, “You’re here. Dean, this is Cas. Cas, Dean.”  
“It’s you,” Dean said, “The guy that saved me.”  
“And you’re the one who pulled me out of the river, right?”  
“I saw you jump; couldn’t just let you die. Why save MY life?”  
“I don’t know. Why not?”  
“I met Castiel yesterday,” Sam explained, “We ate lunch together.”  
“For some reason, people are afraid of him, but…Sam is nice,” Castiel revealed.  
“You told me they liked you here,” Dean said.  
“I lied,” Sam admitted, “People think I’m a monster.”  
“You’re not a monster,” Castiel interjected.  
Dean looked at him approvingly.  
…  
It may have been loneliness that compelled them, but after Dean left, Castiel started crying and Sam hugged him for a few seconds too long.  
“Cas, what’s the matter?”  
“Seeing you and Dean…reminded me of my brother Gabriel.”  
“You have a brother?”  
“HAD a brother,” Castiel corrected, “He was killed…someone…killed him.”  
Sam held Cas again. The two strangers stayed in that embrace until Sam pulled away and rubbed his temple.  
“What’s wrong?”  
“Migraine. It’s a side effect of the medicine.”  
Cas found a pen and took Sam’s hand to write a number.  
“You can call me when you get out…if you want…” Castiel blushed lightly.  
Sam looked at the number with a grin on his face. “Yeah.”


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, now here's where it gets really messed up.

Sam was more afraid of Cas than Cas was of him. Cas could lash out from fear, or from malice. The younger one had imagined it, dreamed of it multiple times. Yet, here they are, two weeks after Sam got out, and Castiel already has a request for him.  
“I wanted to ask you something,” Castiel said.  
“Go ahead.”  
“I…” He stammered, “This is ridiculous. Sam, I like you.”  
Sam didn’t answer, and Cas took that as rejection.  
“Never mind,” Castiel said, “It’s not important.”  
Sam grabbed his hand.  
“It is important,” He said, “Please, Cas.”  
“I like you,” The older one continued, “I don’t know when it happened, whether it was our first movie together or…when we met and you thought I was an angel…”  
Sam blushed.  
“…But, there’s something about you, something that, I can’t quite explain.”  
“I haven’t dated anyone since Jess,” Sam admitted, “I’ve been so scared I might hurt someone, that dating hasn’t really crossed my mind.”  
Castiel put his arm around Sam. Being with him, next to him just felt…right. But Castiel realized something, in Sam’s pleading eyes and light flinching.  
“Are you afraid of me?” He asked.  
“What?”  
“The bruises you showed me,” Cas began, “They weren’t the only ones, were they?”  
The blonde one stared, wondering if he should respond.  
“I can’t fight back,” Sam gritted his teeth, “It would give him a reason to hit me, hurt me, even more. As if…he needed one.”  
“Sam, none of this was your fault,” Castiel assured him, rubbing his back, “Dr. Stein had no right to put his hands on you like that. It’s abuse-physical, emotional, psychological- abuse of power.”  
“He told me that I imagined when he hit or choked me,” Sam continued, “He told me I was dangerous, I needed to be dealt with.”  
“Sam…”  
Sam choked back a sob.  
“Until…you told me, until…I thought I was…”  
“I’m sorry.”  
Sam peered in confusion.  
“You’re sorry for telling me?”  
“No,” Castiel said, “I’m sorry that it happened. That’s terrible.”  
“The reason he choked me was because I pushed him away. I was acting violently and he was acting in self-defense.”  
The older one tilted his head at that line: ‘I was acting violently and he was acting in self-defense.’ It sounded so strange coming from Sam, like he’d been told this and was forced to repeat it, like it was a threat.  
“You were protecting yourself. He was the one assaulting you.”  
Despite Sam’s efforts, tears fell from his cheeks.  
“Why? Why would he do that?” He pleaded, “Why me? What did I-”  
“Look at me,” Cas said.  
Sam did, and the older one kissed him gently and wiped away his tears.  
“I will never hurt you. I’m not afraid of you either, okay? I like you, a lot. And I respect you, too.”  
“That’s…nice of you to say, Cas. But, to say you won’t hurt me, that you aren’t afraid of me, it means nothing. You don’t even know me yet.”  
“Then, let me prove it,” Castiel said, “Give me a chance, and I’ll prove that I’m trustworthy.”  
Sam nodded.   
“We could…try dating.”  
“Good.”  
…  
Hell. Sam woke up in Hell. It wasn’t a dream, or a hallucination, or maybe it was. He felt burns, bruises, pain. He begged for an end to this, some way to leave, to wake up. There was none. He was here, for real, and for a reason.  
“Hello, Sam,” Lucifer, The Devil, appeared with a wicked smile on his face, “I missed you.”  
Sam could taste blood in his own mouth, smell the urine and sweat on his clothes and his body.  
“This isn’t real,” He muttered, hoarse.  
“Oh, it’s very real. Now be a good boy and answer some questions for me.”  
“What?”  
“Why did you kill Dean?”  
“I love Dean! I would never…”  
He was interrupted by a slap across the face.  
“A liar AND a murderer. What a shock.”  
“I’ve never killed anyone.”  
“Maybe all the others were freebies. You buried them, kept them hidden. But your brother? That just seems so…senseless.”  
“I’ve never killed anyone.”  
…  
Thinking back, Sam’s disappearance was probably Castiel’s fault. At least, it would be if you asked Cas. After all, Sam had insisted on going to the doctor’s appointment with Dr. Speight alone, an appointment he never made it to. Dean told him it wasn’t Castiel’s fault, but he only figured Dean was too busy blaming himself. John, who was halfway across the country and hadn’t met Castiel yet, was driving himself insane. His son was missing, and there was nothing he could do about it.  
…  
After a month and a half of looking for Sam with no leads, Cas was about to give up. That is, until someone showed up in his house, sat at his kitchen table.  
“Sam?”  
The person in question looked pale, thinner than usual, and dirty. Too, he was covered in marks and bruises that had to have been intentional.   
“Where were you?” Cas asked.  
He approached Sam carefully, slowly.  
“Can you talk?”  
Castiel made it to Sam, who flinched away at the slightest physical contact. Before the disappearance, they’d been making progress, as much progress as three and a half weeks can get you, that is. Then Sam gets taken away, hurt, by an unknown entity.  
“Are you hungry, Sam?”  
Sam nodded. Castiel opened the refrigerator, pulled out some lunch meat and got to making a quick sandwich. Meanwhile, the younger one was occupied feeling the table, the floor, and even Castiel’s hair with shaking hands.  
“Here,” Castiel set the sandwich on the table, “Do you-”  
He was interrupted by the younger one scarfing down the sandwich like that of an animal. Not to say that Sam was an animal, but it did make Cas a bit nervous.  
“Someone…took you,” Castiel began, “Didn’t they, Sam?”  
Sam didn’t respond.  
“We need to get you to a hospital.”


	6. Chapter 6

“He doesn’t think this is real,” Dean said, “Sammy, look at me.”  
Sam looked at Dean for a second, then looked away.  
“Whatever happened to you, it’s over,” Dean assured him.  
The younger brother mouthed the word “over.”  
“Cas told me about Dr. Stein,” Dean spoke, and Sam cringed at the name, “I’m not angry, okay? I just…wish you would have told me.”  
Sam patted Dean’s shoulder.  
“Where were you?”  
“Hell…” Sam mumbled.  
Dean and Cas exchanged strange looks.  
“What happened?” Dean asked.  
“Escaped…”  
…  
Beyond that, Sam didn’t say anything else, even when John visited him at the hospital.  
“He’s been through a lot, Dad,” Dean said, “He won’t talk. The doctors, the cops, both say it’s shock, or trauma. They think he was…tortured…”  
The older brother whimpered at the thought of Sammy being hurt.  
“I know you’re angry at me for not being around more, Sam,” John said.  
The younger brother shook his head and hugged his father.  
“I missed you, Sammy,” John spoke.  
Sam nodded.   
“Dad, you know Sam’s boyfriend?”  
Sam shot a warning glance.  
“Boyfriend?” John asked, “So you did move on from Jess, huh?”  
“You know our ‘friend’ Castiel,” Dean spoke, “Him and Sam are going on about a month.”  
“I thought something was up between you two.”  
…  
After returning, Castiel grabbed Sam’s hand and held it.  
“I’m sorry,” Castiel said, “This is my fault. I should have come with you to that appointment.”  
“Cas, stop,” Dean said, “You couldn’t have known.”  
“We don’t blame you,” John said, “None of us can see into the future. But even if you could, I know you would have protected him.”  
Castiel petted Sam’s head. Sam pulled him closer and whispered into his ear: “I killed Dean.”  
“What?” Castiel was confused.  
This was a confession. Sam was telling Castiel about killing Dean, the same Dean who was alive and well in the room.   
“What did he say?” Dean asked.  
“He said he killed you.”  
“No,” Dean said, “I’m right here, Sammy.”  
“They found bodies everywhere. P-people I killed. I don’t remember doing it. I swear.”  
“Someone manipulated him,” John figured, “Told him all this. Made him confess to this.”  
“Sam, is that true?” Castiel asked.  
“They know it was me,” Sam continued, “I’m dangerous. I deserve to burn in hell.”  
“Sam!” Dean was infuriated, “Don’t you dare say that! I…you didn’t kill anyone. You were lied to.”  
“I was?”  
“Yes,” Dean assured him, “I know you, Sammy. You’ve got a heart of gold and you’re not a murderer. Besides, between me and Cas and Dad and the hospital, you wouldn’t have had time to kill anyone, let alone hide the bodies.”  
Sam’s breathing turned raspy. He didn’t know what to believe. On one hand, Lucifer was punishing him for his crimes. On the other, Dean and Cas insisted that these crimes never even happened. Of course, Sam knew who Lucifer really was.   
…  
There were things about Hell that Sam couldn’t tell Dean or John. Castiel was willing to listen when Sam returned from the hospital.  
“There was a cage,” Sam began, “I had to stay, sleep, and eat in the cage. He would take me out and…interrogate me…for hours, asking why I killed those people, why I felt no guilt or remorse. I kept telling him I didn’t, but…he wouldn’t believe me. After it was done, he’d send me back into the cage.”  
…  
“Do you even have the slightest sense of guilt?”  
A baton hitting the cage made Sam flinch.  
“Are you even human?”  
The cage door opened, but Sam backed away. A hand grabbed his hair and threw him out onto the ground.  
“When’s the last time you ate?”  
Silence.  
“TALK!”  
“Yesterday. The day before…? I don’t remember.”  
“You need food.”  
A sandwich was handed to Sam.  
“Thank you.”  
…  
“Sam…” Castiel petted Sam’s shoulder as the younger one rested his head on Castiel’s lap.  
“I never tried to fight him off. I’m weak.”  
“Sam, you were scared.”  
“I was. But, that wasn’t all.”  
“What else?”  
“I wanted to prove him wrong, to let him know I was just a human. I thought, maybe he’d let me go if I did what he said.”  
“You don’t have anything to prove to a psychopath,” Castiel said coldly, “Did…you know who it was?”  
Sam nodded.  
“Was it…Stein?”  
Another nod. Castiel lowered his head in shame. This is disgusting. How could anyone- let alone a certified doctor- kidnap and torture someone like that? It felt like the whole world was out to hurt Sam. Did no one else see him as a person?  
“I’m sorry,” Castiel said, “I let you go by yourself.”  
“Cas, are the doors locked?”  
“And…the windows?”  
“Latched. What’s the matter?”  
“What if he’s here? What if he breaks in and…”?  
Sam began to hyperventilate. For a whole month, he was asked why he killed people. Not, did you kill those people, but why did you kill those people. He had no reason to kill or even hurt anyone. But how do you answer honestly when you’re beaten for telling the truth.  
…  
“GET BACK HERE!”  
The bastard fed off Sam’s fear, beating him, seeming to laugh as he tried to crawl away.  
“Stop!” Sam yelled.  
He can’t die; not here, not now, not like this. No one would ever find him, and the bastard would get away with it.  
…  
“Have I ever hurt you, Cas?”  
“No.”  
“Be honest.”  
“You haven’t. I promise.”  
“Good,” Sam replied, “Because I’ve hurt someone before.”  
“It doesn’t matter.”  
“Yes, it does,” Sam corrected, “If you’re honest with me, I have to be honest with you.”  
“All right. Go ahead.”  
“His name was Crowley. He’s a family friend, owns the grocery store downtown. I thought…he was a demon, and that he would kill Dean. I tied him to a chair, punched him a few times…he wasn’t too angry afterwards, so he didn’t press any charges. He knew I was sick, told me to get help, even visited me when I got better.”  
“You won’t hurt me, Sam.”  
“You don’t know that.”  
“I do,” Castiel assured, “Listen, ever since I’ve been with you, my life has had meaning. It’s like, the sun coming out after a thunderstorm, when the clouds part and the light returns.”  
“I hardly believe that.”  
“You’re the reason I even want to get out of bed in the morning,” Castiel said, “Lying next to you and feeling your heart beating, has to be the best feeling in the world.”  
“You’ve helped me, too.”  
“Oh?”  
“I feel safe with you, less like a freak.”

“Can you tell me how you escaped?”  
“The cage was unlocked,” Sam began, “It was late, so I slipped out quietly, and tried to find the exit. Once I found it, I went out the door. I hadn’t been outside for over a month. It was dark out, and I could barely see, but I just ran. I swore I could hear him chasing after me, yelling at me, but I kept running. Once I reached the highway, I knew where I was. The sun was coming up when I got here. And when I saw you, I thought I was fantasizing my escape again.”  
“Sam, I’m…”  
“You have to stop apologizing. Like John said, you would have protected me if you’d known. And I know you looked everywhere for me.”  
“I wasn’t the one searching,” Castiel said.  
“So? Do you think I expected you to search every house and building within a fifty-mile radius?”  
“Would’ve helped find you a lot faster.”  
“Now you’re just being too hard on yourself.”  
“You were tortured!”  
“And if you’d looked for me, he would have tortured you, too. The guy is insane.”  
That word felt odd coming out of his mouth. Who is Sam to call someone insane? Then again, Sam has never kidnapped and tortured anyone, now has he?  
“That’s noble of you…wanting to protect me.”  
“Why wouldn’t I? I love you, Cas.”  
Castiel blushed.  
“You do?”  
“Of course. All this time I’ve known you, been with you, you’ve never tried to hurt me, or take advantage of me.”  
“You love me because I’ve never hurt you? Sam, that’s sad.”  
“That’s not all of it,” Sam elaborated, “Not only can I trust and respect you, but I can be myself around you, let my guard down. You’re handsome, kind, funny, caring…”  
Castiel blushed deeper.  
“I love you, too,” He kissed Sam lightly.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> filler chapter

“I had no idea,” Dr. Speight said.  
Dr. Speight had since moved into his own office downtown. This was the first time he’d met with Sam since the incident.  
“You couldn’t have,” Sam said, “I didn’t tell anyone.”  
“Since you left, word got out about Stein,” Speight continued. “There was a bit of a riot, you could call it. Other patients came forward, told their stories-it put the whole hospital on edge.”  
“Oh,” Sam felt guilty.  
“And for good reason,” the doctor continued, “How someone so…unstable, so…horrible, managed to slip by so many psychologists…I worked next to him for years and I never even suspected. I’m sorry, Sam.”  
“People keep saying that to me,” Sam observed, “My brother, my dad, Cas, now you. I don’t blame anyone except the person who did this.”  
“I understand if you don’t want to talk about what happened,” The doctor responded, “But if you want to talk about something else…your family, friends, medicine, anything…”  
“He would say that I was delusional and insane, and…no one would believe me if I’d told what was happening.”  
“You’re not insane.”  
“I’m not?”  
“No. You just have an illness, and you’re doing the best you can.”  
“Can…we talk about Cas now?”  
“Of course. How is he?”  
“Great.”  
“And your relationship is still healthy?”  
“Very. He’s very supportive.”  
“Good. He seems like a positive influence on you. Ever since you told me about Cas, I’ve seen nothing but improvement from you.”  
“Cas says I make him happy. That I give him a reason to live.”  
…  
Castiel was reading a magazine in the waiting room when Sam returned to him.  
“How’d it go?” He asked.  
“Good, as expected,” Sam replied, “Another appointment in six months. Ready to go?”  
“Yeah. Wanna get some dinner?”  
“Pizza?”  
“Sounds perfect. Let’s go.”  
…


	8. Chapter 8

Sam opened the front door to see Castiel tied to a chair with a gun to his head.   
“Hello, Sam.”  
No. It can’t be. He’s been missing for months.  
“Don’t hurt him,” Sam threatened.  
“Or what?” Stein asked, “You take one step forward and I’ll pull the trigger.”  
He has to protect Cas.  
“What do you want?” Sam demanded.  
The gun now pointed at Sam.  
“You,” He said, “Come with me. We’ll go for a little drive. Talk.”  
No. Do not go with him. He’ll kill you. But, Cas. I have to protect Cas.  
“You’ll…leave Cas alone if I go with you?”  
“Of course.”  
“Sam, no!” Castiel yelled, “He’s lyi-”  
Stein hit Castiel with the end of his gun.  
“You shut up.”  
“Okay,” Sam said, “I’ll go with you.”  
Stein followed Sam out the door, a gun pointed at his back. Out of options, Sam remembered what his Marine trained father taught he and Dean. First, stay calm-clear your mind. Next, strategize. What does your enemy have on you, Sam? A gun. Right. Pointed directly at your back. Might not work but…  
“Don’t move,” Sam had wrestled the gun from the intruder, and was now pointing it at his head.  
“You gonna shoot me?” Stein taunted, “Go ahead, show the world what a monster you really are.”  
“I would have every right to shoot you,” Sam replied, “You broke into my house, tied Cas up, tried to kidnap me…But I’m not going to.”  
Sam pulled out his phone and called the police.  
…  
Another surprise came forward when Castiel stepped out the front door. Turns out he can untie himself.  
“Cas!” Sam exclaimed.  
“Sam! Thank god! I thought…what is this?”  
“Watch him,” Sam warned, “He likes to run. How did you get untied?”  
“I’ve been tied up before, Sam.”  
Sam decided he would ask about that later.  
…  
Stein was arrested as soon as help arrived, and Sam handed over the gun.  
“I was taking a nap on the couch when I heard the door open,” Castiel explained, “I thought it was Sam at first until I saw. He pointed a gun at me, shoved me into a chair and tied me to it. Said he was waiting for Sam.”  
Sam finished with his part of the story.  
“He’s going into custody,” One of the cops said, “He’ll be in jail at least for a few days, or until we set up charges.”  
“Thank you,” Sam said.  
…  
Castiel joined Sam on the front porch.  
“You were going to sacrifice yourself to save me,” Castiel realized.  
“So?”  
“So? You’re a hero, Sam!” Castiel said.  
“You’re exaggerating.”  
“And you’re too humble. A humble hero.”  
“Stop calling me that,” Sam’s lips quivered, “I don’t deserve that title.”  
Castiel put his arms around Sam.  
“You saved me,” He said, “I wouldn’t have been able to do what you did.”  
“I couldn’t just let him hurt you, Cas. I love you and I want to protect you.”  
“That’s very noble of you. Saving the damsel in distress.”  
“Funny. We should go see Dean.”


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean has a problem

Dean hugged both of them when they got to his house.  
“Thank god you’re okay!” Dean exclaimed with pleading eyes as he let them in the house, “It’s been a while.”  
“I saw you last week,” Sam replied.  
“Yeah, and you were nearly killed just hours ago. Any chance I can get to see my baby brother before something happens…”  
“Dean…”  
“Do you know how many times I blamed myself?” The older brother began, “For putting you in that hospital, for not visiting you enough, not seeing the bruises…Damn it!”  
He began to tremble, and Sam helped him to the couch.  
“Dean, are you drunk?” Sam asked.  
“Maybe…”  
“I can smell it on your breath. Strong. What’s the matter?”  
“l just told you.”  
“Dean, it’s okay.”  
“You WOULD say that, Sam,” Dean laughed.  
Sam held his brother close, while Dean cried into Sam’s shoulder.  
“And you WOULD blame yourself,” Sam said, “I wish you’d stop.”  
“Then I wouldn’t be me, would I?” Dean joked.  
“How much did you drink?”  
“Not enough to make me sick.”  
“I need you to be okay,” Sam said, “And none of that ‘functional alcohol’ crap.”  
“You know me so well, Sammy,” Dean joked again, “But…did you know I met someone?”  
“No. Go on.”  
“Okay, not so much ‘met’ as ‘just got the guts to ask her out.’”  
“Lisa?” Sam guessed.  
Dean shook his head.  
“Jo?”  
“Nope.”  
“Benny?”  
“No,” Dean said, “It’s Cassidy.”  
“The one you dated for like a week about ten years ago?”  
“Yes, that one. She moved back here, we got talking, really hit it off…again.”  
“I always liked her,” The younger one said.  
Dean yawned. “Anyway, I’m tired.”  
“It’s nine-thirty,” Castiel remarked.  
“I am very drunk.”  
“Are you sure you’re okay?” Sam asked.  
“Sammy, you know the answer to that question.”  
“Right. Good night, then, Dean.”  
Dean stood up, then stumbled a bit. Castiel went to help him.  
“Sam?” Dean said.  
“Yeah?”  
“Marry this man.”  
Sam laughed, blushing.

“Dean,” Castiel said when they reached Dean’s room.  
“Mmm?”  
“I’ve been meaning to ask you about something…”  
Dean groaned. “Did Sam put you up to this?”  
“No,” Castiel replied, “He doesn’t know. I…asked John yesterday and…Well, since you’re his brother, I thought I’d ask you, too…”  
“Out with it, Cas.”  
“I want your blessing.”  
“My…blessing?”  
“To ask Sam to marry me.”  
Dean stared blankly for a moment, then chuckled.  
“You want my blessing?” Dean laughed.  
“Well, I think it’s important that his family approves…”  
“You know what I think?”  
“What?”  
“I think you’d marry him with or without my blessing,” he remarked, “You love him too much to let anything get in the way. I love him too, you know. He IS my baby brother.”  
“I’m not…trying to take him from you…”  
“I know. Sammy’s an adult now, Makes his own decisions. Doesn’t need me.”  
“Of course he needs you.”  
Dean scoffed, tears filling his eyes again, letting them fall after Castiel helped him onto the bed.  
“Dean, I’ve been through this,” Castiel said, “The guilt, the pain, the drinking. You’re hiding it from Sam, but I can tell.”  
The older brother wiped his eyes.  
“Sammy’s got his own problems.”  
“He cares about you. John cares about you. I care about you.”  
Dean smiled. “Okay,” He said, “You have my blessing, Cas.”  
“Don’t change the subject,” Castiel said lightly.  
“I’ll be fine. Just, go ask my brother to marry you.”  
“Right. Good night, then.”  
…  
“Crying?” Sam asked later.  
Castiel nodded.  
“You think…I mean, he drinks sometimes but…Do you think it’s a problem?”  
“I don’t know. But…he didn’t want you to worry.”  
“Like hell I won’t worry, he’s my brother!”  
“I know. I’m worried about him, too.”  
Sam shifted on the couch.  
“We should go to bed.”  
“Agreed.”  
…

Walking to the guest bedroom, Cas stopped.  
“What is it?” Sam asked.  
“Sam, what do you think of…dogs?”  
“Dogs?” Sam chuckled, “I like dogs.”  
“Well, I was going to surprise you but…There’s this dog at the animal shelter downtown. His name is Riot, ten years old. His owners didn’t want him anymore and they’re going to put him down if we leave him there and I just couldn’t…”  
“Cas?”  
“Yeah?”  
“Shut up,” Sam teased, “You know I can’t say no to something like that.”  
“And…and Oreo?”  
“Oreo?”  
“The little Boston Terrier the owners left behind. Sam, please…”  
“Cas, don’t worry. We’ll take them both in, and whatever other creatures you want.”  
“Thank you, Sam,” Castiel hugged his boyfriend tightly.  
…  
After Castiel fell asleep, Sam heard Dean retching in the bathroom, and ran to check on his brother.  
“Sammy…” Dean mumbled as he flushed the toilet.  
“You okay?”  
Dean was shaky.  
“Did you eat anything today?” Sam asked.  
“Cereal, this morning.”  
“Dean…”  
“Ask me if I’m okay again and I’ll slap you.”  
Sam helped him up and over to the sink to wash his face.  
“Cas told me how upset you were.”  
The younger brother waited for Dean to clean up, then helped him to bed.  
“Hey, Sammy?” Dean asked.  
“Yeah?”  
“Did you ever…resent me?”  
“Resent you?”  
“For leaving you in that hospital?”  
“You still visited.”  
“Yeah, every month. Whenever it was convenient for me…I didn’t call, I never bothered to notice your bruises or change in demeanor…”  
“I kept them covered. As for the demeanor, why would you notice a crazy person getting crazier.”  
“You’re not crazy.”  
“Maybe not to you, and Cas. But to everyone else…”  
“I can’t get over letting this happen to you.”  
“You didn’t know.”  
“That’s no excuse. I’ve been abandoning you for the last couple of years. Truth is, I didn’t know how to deal with what was happening to you. You just…kind of…lost it, and it was scary.”  
“You were afraid of me?”  
“A little bit, yeah. Especially after what happened with Dad and the colt. But then I looked in to your condition a lot more.”  
“About half the time, I thought the bruises were fake, like the demons and ghosts. But then Cas told me they were real.”  
“You…trusted a stranger more than your brother?”   
“I should have gone to you. But I was scared, I didn’t know what to do.”  
Dean laughed.  
“I’ll forgive you for that,” He joked.


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean gets called out

Sam woke up with nightmares. Luckily, Castiel was asleep, otherwise, he would have known that Sam stayed up the rest of the night. Dean had gone back to sleep as well, passed out on the couch after throwing up. The younger brother checked the lock in the house, twice, before he could relax. He’d almost been kidnapped, killed, by the man who tortured him, the devil himself.  
“Sammy?” The gravely, sick voice spoke.  
“Morning, Dean.”  
“You okay? Your eyes are bright red.”  
“So are yours.”  
Dean snickered.  
“I know when something’s bothering you.”  
“Do you?” Sam snapped.  
“Sammy…”  
“You didn’t seem to know when I was being beaten, treated like a damn animal!”  
Dean opened his mouth to talk, but the younger one stopped him.  
“Do you know what he did to me? What he told me?”  
Silence.  
“He said you didn’t care, that you left me, abandoned me in that place. And he was right.”  
More silence.  
“Right,” Sam calmed down, “I probably just gave you a heart attack didn’t I? Do you want to run away again?”  
Dean’s silence was deafening. Sam left him and joined Castiel again in the guest room.  
…  
He’s unpredictable, Dean knew this, but why was he scared of his own brother? The fear never went away, the fear of what Sam was capable of. He never should’ve left Sam on his own. Sam was right, leaving him there in that place had left him a target for abuse. The pain that evil bastard inflicted on his baby brother, the abuse and torture, laid on Dean’s shoulder. He should have noticed something was off. If only he’d checked in a little more, talked to his brother…  
…  
“Are you angry at me?” Castiel asked.  
“Why do you ask?”  
“You’ve been ignoring me all morning.”  
“I’m sorry,” Sam answered, “It’s just…never mind.”  
“Tell me,” Castiel pushed, “What’s the matter?”  
“Dean…he’s afraid of me. Or, he was.”  
“Afraid of you?”  
“That’s why he left me at the hospital.”  
Castiel was angry.  
“I’m sorry.”  
“No,” Sam shook his head, tears arising, “He…it doesn’t matter, okay? Not anymore. It’s over.”  
“This is killing you.”  
“He’s my brother, Cas. My own brother is afraid of me.”  
Castiel hugged him.  
…  
Castiel glared at Dean when they met in the kitchen.   
“What?” Dean asked, “Wait, did Sam talk to you?”  
“He did,” Castiel confirmed, “And he was in tears.”  
“Cas…”  
“Did he tell you what happened? When he was in ‘hell’?”  
“Not really, no.”  
“He was locked in a cage had to sleep there. Stein would bang on the cage, yell at him, before dragging him out and ‘interrogating’ him. If he was lucky, he’d get some food scraps…”  
“Stop,” Dean interrupted.  
“What’s the matter? Can’t handle the truth?”  
“You think I don’t feel bad enough?” Dean challenged.  
“Feeling bad isn’t going to help,” Castiel said, “Sam needs you right now. He needs his brother. He’s terrified, like the world is out to get him, because it is.”  
“What am I supposed to do? I can’t undo what happened.”  
“No, you can’t. but you can help him move on. You can be there for him. We both can.”


End file.
